This Just In.

Global Warming, Not My Hangover, Responsible For My Splitting Headache

Researchers agree that it is highly unlikely that the splitting headache I have been battling for several hours this morning was caused by the five whiskey and cokes I downed during last night's The Office Marathon on NBC. The more probable culprit, according to scientists surveyed, is Global Warming.

"Millions of Americans watch television every night without the consequence of headaches the following day," said Richard Head of the Science Institute of American New Guinea. When asked about the possibility of five cocktails being involved Head replied, "I just don't see a correlation. You'd really have to be grasping at straws to come to that conclusion. Mr Colossus' headache is obviously driven by shrinking ice caps and rising temperatures due to man-made CO2 emissions. I'm afraid Mr. Colossus will be experiencing headaches and maybe even nausea until America makes a genuine effort to commit to cleaner energy sources, leading the way for the rest of the world to do the same."

When informed of Dr. Head's statements, I had this to say, "You know, it is a little warm in here." There you have it.